Thursday, August 1, 2013

I'll Never

I'll Never Not Have A Plan
My life may be chaotic. My clothes may be everywhere. I may have a week old pizza box sitting right next to me as I type this. But I will never not have a plan. My life, as a whole, shall always be organized. I always know what I am doing next. I am not a hopeless wanderer. Though, sometimes this gets in the way of the spontaneity my peers have. However, the conclusion I have come to is this: spontaneous people are the way they are because life rewards them for their spontaneity. Life has never rewarded me for being spontaneous. Never have I done something without thinking about it that turned out well. So, I will stick with my plans. I will stick with incessantly looking at my planner. I will stick with my to do lists. Life rewards me this way by giving me a peace of mind. I will never not have a plan.

I'll Never Give Up Control
I will let you drive me somewhere without digging my fingernails into my thighs. I will never let someone else plan what I am doing for the night. I will never let myself be surprised. I will never put myself in a situation I do not have control over. I will never let anyone else have the upper-hand in a relationship. If that starts to happen, I pull back because "the power in a relationship lies with the one who cares the least".

I'll Never Stop Loving Kids
Because I am a born MOMMY.

...Or social networks.
Because as easy as it is to make fun of them, I think our generation is incredibly lucky. We can document our lives. We have memories at our fingertips. We can connect with anyone in the entire world. We can meet someone on twitter and fall in love with their best friend (true story). We are lucky. We are lucky to document such a special time. We are lucky to be able to keep in touch with the people we love. I love social networks.

I'll Never Hate My Family
I know many whom hate their families. Whether it's an individual, or their entire clan. But me? I will never hate my family. I believe we were given our family for a reason. Just like we are given everyone else in our life. To teach us lessons. Would I be friends with certain siblings if I was not related to them? Probably not. But I am related to them. I would die for them if asked. I acknowledge that a little of my personality has come from each of them. I know that we are apart of each other. To hate one of them would be to hate a piece of myself. I know that they share a part of my life that no one else does. They know that my Mom does not laugh often, but when she does she laughs so hard she cries. They know my Grandpa Joe loved olives. They know that my Aunt Kimmy will always cry on a holiday. All things that are important, and they are the only ones who understand.
We were given our family for a reason. I do not know how I would hate something that God has made apart of my life permanently.

I'll Never Be Fearless
All the movies tell me that men want girls who would lay in the middle of street with them. But I will never be that girl. I will never be the girl who thinks love can save us all. No, love cannot save you if you are laying in a street and a car comes. I will never be a bungee jumper. I will never hike a tall mountain. For many reasons. I will never ride The Rocket at Lagoon. I will not.
I will, however, surprise you sometimes. I will move across the country to fulfill my dreams. I will go up to a random stranger and get to know them. I will fly, alone, to a state I have never been in and stay in a sketchy hotel. I will do brave things, I will just do them for myself.

I'll Never Be Late.
Because I do not understand people that are late. It goes beyond a pet peeve. To me, being late says "Hello, I do not care about you, or your time. All I care about is me."
Being late goes beyond a "no big deal" thing to me. Because no, it is a big deal. It is telling me that I am not worth your time. So I will never be late.

I'll Never Drink

Because I cannot get past why you would drink something that tastes so awful and why you drink when you are not thirsty. I can also say with complete assurance that my life has never been so bad as someones when they are drunk and I have had more fun in one night than a drunk person has ever had. I will also never begrudge those who drink, that is like people who resent me for tweeting a lot. It is who I am. But drinking, it is not for me. But I will ALWAYS enjoy when my friends are the perfect amount of drunk.
So stop trying to get me to cause I never will thanks bye.

I'll Never be Skinny
I am 5 feet, 10 inches tall. By any standards that means that the minimum I am supposed to weigh is 160. I will never be skinny. But I will never be morbidly obese. It has taken me 21 years to understand the balance between being healthy and enjoying my life. And I have learned to love myself in any form. I have gotten to the point where I can take the prettiest girl in the room and ask myself "Would I want to switch bodies with her?" The answer is always no. I like who I am. I like my hips and I like my big boobs. I like them. I have learned how to dress for my body. I will never be skinny.

I'll Never Be Negative
 I will never be negative. I do not understand negative people. I do not understand what satisfaction people get from complaining about their problems. Your life is YOUR LIFE. Your choices have led you to your current situation. And any choice you make can get you out of your current situation. You have options. Until you are braindead in a hospital with no family or friends, you have the ability to change things. This is YOUR life. At any point you can say "THIS IS NOT HOW MY STORY IS GOING TO GO!" and change it. So stop. Stop with the negativity. Even if thing seem like the darkest of dark, find ONE positive thing and go from there. I promise it will change your life. Because it changed mine.

I'll Never Begrudge Absence. 
I guess I should say, I will never begrudge absence ever again. Because I definitely was queen of hating when people leave me. But I have learned that the phrase "absence makes the heart grow fonder" is extremely true. Even an individual I thought I hated has become one of my closest friends in their absence. You truly don't know what you have until it goes away for a little while. I will never begrudge absence and what it has taught me and my friends. I will never begrudge absence because of the strength it has given many relationships in my life.

I'll Never Stop Being A Writer
Because writers see the world differently. Because I have found my voice in writing. Because I have found solace in words. And mostly, because I have found confidence in something that I am good at. It is something I do not have to worry about. When I sit in a math class, I have this sick feeling that consumes me. This feeling is a feeling of complete and utter helplessness. Feeling like I have no control. This feeling is one I have never had in an English class. Instead of the wave of panic I feel when a math test is announced, I have a feeling of complete assurance when an essay is announced in English. Everyone has their "thing". Their thing that makes them light up. Writing is my thing. Some people give up their thing for one reason or another. But I never will. Because it makes me feel like me.

What will you never do?


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