Thursday, September 12, 2013

my heart has depth.

It's four AM. I hear crying, and i'm confused.
I force my sleepy eyes open while my brain tries to play catch up. What time is it? Where are my glasses? Who is crying? Why is there a baby in my room? 
This may seem like a scene from The Hangover but i's just another day in the story of my summer. My brain finally is with me. It's Brooklyn crying, it's four AM, time for her second bottle. I step softly on the hardwood floors in my kitchen, fill up her bottle and return to scoop her out of her travel crib into my bed. I lay with her and hear her suck her bottle, it becoming slower and slower before she falls asleep completely. 
Sleepy girl in the quiet hours of the morning
I should have been angry that I was 21 years old feeding a baby when I could be sleeping, but I wasn't. I am so in love with this little human that I could not even be mad if I tried. I treasure all those moments I had this summer because it was such a beautiful, still time I got to spend with such a special little girl who I love so much.
So now, for my confused readers, who is Brooklyn? 
Brooklyn is a two year old whose first word was "iPad" and who loves Daniel Tiger and of course, Dora the Explorer. She hates food, is creepily OCD for how young she is, is incredibly smart, loves her silkie, her "Aunt Coga!" (Aunt Collette) her "Lilee!" (Me) and her "Whewuz Mawhk?" (Where's Mark? What she thinks Marks name is for some reason) 
She's my second cousin, not a niece, not a sister. A distant relative who I should only see once a year at Christmas. She has been living with us for a year and a half because, without making her sound completely terrible, her Mother loves drugs and stealing things that aren't hers needed to go away for a while. 
This is where things get tough.
I have a hard time feeling emotions that are so strong that I cannot put them into words. Words are how I process things, but these intense emotions are indescribable. The sorrow I feel for Brooklyn and her future, it's real, and it's deep. But equally real and even deeper is the love I feel for her. She has shown me that my heart has depth and not the scary depth like when the blue water of the Ocean turns black. This depth is light and it's warm. It has lit up a new portion of myself that I never knew existed. 
Soon, Brooklyn's mom will be back to take her and while I am grateful that she is back to relieve the stress that this has put on my family, I am also deeply saddened that this little two year old will never get the life she deserves. While I will reel for many years, i'm sure, to come to terms with Gods plan for her, I am truly grateful to her for opening up a part of me that I never knew existed. Emotions are running high over here but I am grateful because that means that I am feeling and therefore truly living. 

This picture cracks me up, even months later

I told you, she loves the ipad.

Girlfriend knows how to get naked and YOLO

Someone got into my mascara...

annddddd I am posting way too many images but here is a video to get a little glimpse of how freaking cute she is

Ok a few cause I am literally obsessed. Oh man, I'm gonna have to delete my blog when I babies, aren't I? 

 photo riley-sig_zps51d1cb9c.jpg

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