Saturday, September 13, 2014

love story, part two. otherwise known as "riley has a nervous breakdown"

See part one HERE.

I really want to warn people that this post is seriously nutso. I started writing about our love story and then ended up talking about me and my emotional journey to find myself haha! But, if you hate reading about missionary experiences...probs skip this one. Let me sum it up for ya, Mark left on his mission, I went crazy, found myself, and we still weren't dating.

If you want to read on, let's go...

^^^^Freshman year Mark and Riley......^^^^^
So we were both up at Utah State, but that first semester we honestly didn't hang out that much. I was doing my own thing with my own new group of friends and kept in touch still but it was nothing like the obsession I had in high school. In fact, looking through my album of pictures of the first semester of freshman year, there wasn't a single one with Mark or his friends, we called them Jordan boys. 
The second semester of our freshman year, I got in a big fight with all the friends I was hanging out with so I came crawling back to my Jordan boys and luckily they took me back. Very nice of them considering I was grade A crazy back then. So we hung out! It was normal but nothing unusual happened with Mark and I. It was more platonic than ever on his side but I definitely still had feelings I was suppressing. He called me and told me he had gotten his mission call to Thailand and I remember just sitting in the hall of my dorm and crying because I didn't want him to leave. Haha! If only I knew what I was in for. 

^^^Mision farewells and goodbyes^^^

So, Mark left on his mission in July of 2010. He left and I feel like I deserve to give myself credit for how much sadness I felt. Some may think it is pathetic ...and maybe it is. It was definitely selfish, but it's how I felt and it's really important to me that I don't discredit that. I have never felt a sadness to that depth before. I cried myself to sleep, I cried the second I woke up. I pretty much cried straight for two weeks. It was when the crying stopped that I was in trouble. I fell into a pretty dark and depressive place for about six months. I don't think it was so much that I was just sad that he was gone but I think it was time I dealt with the "who am I and who do I want to be?" questions and I wasn't ready to be a grown up just yet. I saw all my guy friends move forward in their lives and I was like k, what am I doing? I was just so lost! I failed school, an entire semester literally down the drain. I think about how different my life would be right now if I hadn't done that. But alas, I did. 

Finally, after six months, I lost myself in my sorority. I totally threw myself into it, got heavily involved and ended up being Panhellenic President (president of all sororities on campus) and it was the best thing I could have ever done for myself. I am so happy that Mark went on a mission, not that staying home was ever an option, but still. Not only did it make him the awesome man he is today but it made me the strong women I am today because while he was gone I really learned about my talents, strength and worth by the positions I held in the Greek community and by my sisters supporting me.  I don't think I would have had those experiences if he had stayed. Somehow this love story post turned into a post about me....oh well. Haha! This is my life and that was what happened. 

Mark served in Thailand! I still think it's so cool...hopefully going back next summer. 

I look back on the time Mark was on his mission with regret but also happiness. I regret feeling sad but I know that those were true feelings that I needed to feel in order to understand how I felt about Mark. I wrote about this on our one year anniversary, but I will summarize. A few weeks after Mark left, I realized that I truly was in love with Mark and the feelings I had been trying to hide from everyone for so long were completely obvious.
Mark left to Thailand in July of 2010 and returned on August 17th, 2012. I met up with him about a half an hour before my birthday began! He had been home for a few hours. For two years I had tried to imagine what it would be like the first time I saw him. I always pictured something movie-like, like a field of daisies with slow motion running involved when in reality, it was a street corner in downtown SLC and I had been so nervous I almost puked in my purse like four times on the walk there. I was so nervous I let all my friends hug him before I gave him an awkward two second hug. 
Luckily, he wasn't one of those awkward RMs and life went back to normal very quickly. I remember feeling such a true sense of happiness when I gave him a ride home that night and he was in my passenger seat rapping to Notorious B.I.G like he hadn't even been gone for two years.  
The night he came back!

At the bar, poor kid! Haha!

One more love story post coming.....sometime! Who knows!

 photo riley-sig_zps51d1cb9c.jpg

1 comment: