Friday, June 19, 2015

too busy feeling feelings and overthinking about it

I feel like it's getting kind of heavy around these parts for some reason? I normally don't do so many serious posts, especially in a row! However my hormones have been literally insane lately with my new birth control trying to find it's resting place...haha. I cry at THE weirdest things lately. I cried when OITNB made a Jersey Shore reference. I'm a total freak haha
Anyway, lately I have noticed a loss in confidence. I'm just like "Why am I not good at crafts like my sister?" or "Why do I lack fine motor skills?" when I thought about taking up cross stitch hahahah but seriously, it's so stupid to focus on the negative. Again, thanks new birth control.

Then we come to this blog. This blog is a weird thing for me. I have always, and I do mean always-- heyyyy myspace!, blogged for two purposes: so I felt like I was being heard, aka I just love to write, that's the English major in me. Second purpose, to chronicle my life. I am terrible at journals. Just totally terrible. My blogs are the only thing I have to look back on my life!
Then I wrote four posts that went crazy on Pinterest. Seriously. It was bringing these new followers and these crazy stats to my blog and I was like woahhh buddy. Not that they are super impressive numbers, but for me they were pretty crazy. Companies started to reach out and want to send me free stuff and wanted to do giveaways for my readers! It was pretty cool. I felt like people finally cared about what I was saying. 
Then I felt like I was at a fork in the road. I had to choose if I wanted to go down path A or path B.
Path A was start purposely trying to build numbers, build page views, etc etc. Basically, make blogging a part time job or a super serious hobby. I really wanted to do path A, however it was really overwhelming to me and I really didn't want to get caught up in thinking I was hot shiz.
Path B was to stop caring and stop reaching out to companies to do giveaways, stop putting so much thought into content, blog posts, etc. 
Life kind of chose for me. I graduated and got a teaching job and since i'm a baby, I couldn't do Path A as well as teach. Naturally I just fell into path B since I was so busy.
However I really miss working with companies. It's not even about getting free stuff, it's really not. I don't feel like I can say that and have anyone believe me, but it's true. I have found companies that have changed. my. life (not trying to be dramatic, literally the truth) through blogging. I have got to utilize skills that I have that I don't feel like get utilized through teaching. I miss writing 3-5 times a week. I just love certain parts of blogging that aren't happening right now and it's really bumming me out.
So I was really excited when a company got into contact with me several weeks ago and asked to collaborate, but then decided I was about 150 followers short on instagram to qualify for their collab program. I was kind of sad, but I understood. I would never ask a company to give me something if I didn't think the exposure was worth their time and money.
What did kind of suck was another blogger actually got the collab. They got to work with the company. I was really defeated? It also came on a day that I had a weird run in at the gym and so my confidence was super low. 
Anyway, I just thought well, she is so much better than me because they want to work with her and they don't want to work with me! I want to be clear that I don't feel like her life is perfect or her blog is perfect, it honestly wasn't even jealousy? I was just insecure she just got it and I didn't. I don't know how to explain that very well, haha.
That feeling has stuck for the past month! I was starting to get so annoyed with myself. It was building onto other things as well like my career and my friendships. Then today I was on Pinterest and saw these two quotes:

I had actually pinned ^^^^ this quote a long time ago and I think about it often, but I felt like it was a purposeful reminder for me. 

Then I found this, linked from Lauren Conrad's website and I was like "Man, Lauren Conrad is a bad bitch and she probably has felt exactly like i'm feeling soooo many times"
So I am feeling a lot better. I feel like with trying to find another job and getting caught up in the blog world and ya know, watching America's Next Top Model, I feel like competition is the name of the game in life. I just don't really know if I believe that anymore though. Whatever we do, wherever we are supposed to go or be, it's right for us. It is what is supposed to happen. We might have regrets, but in the end I just feel like we end up where we have to be. 
I don't know, what do you guys think?  

 photo riley-sig_zps51d1cb9c.jpg

6 comments:

  1. Riley, this post is so true! I hate the feeling of competition that is so prevalent in social media. Like, can't we all just be happy for each other? Why do we have to feel sad for ourselves when someone else succeeds? We don't! We should let other people's successes inspire us! There is enough good stuff in the world to go around. We can all have it! I love that you wrote this.

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    1. Thank you for your nice comment!!!!!! The world like teaches us to be that way but we can all have it! So true.

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  2. oooo riley those 2 quotes are some of my favs!! why is it a lesson i have to keep learning over and over again?? it's so hard to do this, but i really find myself the happiest when i am just grateful for the awesome parts of my life.

    yesterday my car got towed, i found out i'll be spending the weekend alone because my husband has to work, and some "on camera" time i was promised at the news station was cancelled. then i get on instagram and everyone is having this great time at strawberry days and hiking and hanging out with their husbands and all that crap. i was so miserable all day haha, which i think is okay to feel sometimes. but i just had to give myself a pep talk. i really love my life and i have a lot of amazing things going for me (you do too!) & that should be enough for me. when it is enough, i can genuinely be happy for everyone else's good fortune.

    but, regardless of how many instagram followers you have, or blog giveaways, or whatever, i think you are hilarious and i love your blog and i hope you NEVER stop writing. the end.

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    1. My parents would always get so frustrated because I have major "grass is always greener" mentality so I am totally not content with anything! I had to start working on that when we lived in MD because I was missing out on so much at home that it was making me a miserable person and not enjoying myself! So I totally get how you feel when you had to give yourself a pep talk. Which is actually so funny because I always show my husband your pictures and whine that we aren't having adventures!! Hahahaha so that's funny. Thanks for being so so nice!!!

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  3. Ok can I just say like 150 followers is not going to make the difference for their exposure? Ha #bloggermarketingprobs. I love when companies just want bloggers who actually like their product and who can honestly promote it. Anyway, I love these serious posts. I actually just got on my computer solely to read this because I saw it on my phone and was like, "No. I am going to comment so I am saving it for the computer." Haha. Anyway, but I love this and those quotes! Look at you picking yourself up and making yourself feel better! Way to go!

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    1. Hahhahahaha that is so nice! But like we were talking about the other day, sponsored posts are way better when they fit in with the blog.

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