Friday, April 1, 2016

the weekend I was a pretend mom

Last weekend, my parents were out of town so it was my responsibility to watch the house, the chihuahuas, and Brooklyn, a rambunctious four year old.
Here is what I learned.
1. goodbye, social life.
Mark and I were terrified to take her anywhere because we didn't know how she would handle it. If one of us had to go somewhere, the other person stayed with her. Our restaurant choices were limited to those who did take out. We wanted to do our usual routine of seeing a movie, but yeah, forget that.
2. kids youtube, my new best friend
The fact that i'm ashamed to admit this gives me a small glimpse of the judgement that actual mothers go through, but the iPad pretty much babysat Brooklyn all weekend. To her credit, she spent most of Saturday playing barbies in the bathtub and most of Sunday playing with her play-doh (more on that later) but whenever she wasn't doing that I was like "HEY LOOK IPAD LOOK!" 
can we talk about how damn creepy the GROWN ADULTS who review toys are??/
Here are some examples, because I am beyond myself.
What are you doing with your life?
3. nothing is clean, including you
Though I don't wash my hair daily, I do shower daily, sometimes even multiple times a day. Last weekend, I found myself doing odd things to fit a shower I woke up at 6 to shower, before Brooklyn was awake. Or I showered at 1AM, after she was asleep. On Sunday I made the mistake of showering while she was conscious, and that led to her banging on the door of the bathroom. Also, the house was a huge disaster and I just felt like I couldn't keep it clean with a tornado of a four year old. I cleaned her room and organized her drawers while she was watching peanuts movie,  only to have her rip everything out of the drawers when she got in her PJS later that night.
Also, the play-doh bought me like three hours of me time, but SO MUCH FREAKING PLAYDOH in every crevice of everything.
Another fun thing, when she ate lunch or dinner it magically ended up everywhere? She also squeezed her weird little apple juice capri sun squeezi thingy on my window seat cushions, so that was neat.
4. Exhaustion
The exhaustion hit me on Saturday, not even 24 hours after we had her. I quickly learned how to sleep while a tiny human  pretended my body was a mountain that her polly pockets were exploring on. I was so tired that I couldn't do basic tasks. Also I feel really peeved that four year olds don't take naps because that meant I don't get my nap...
5. Judgement 

I was a fake mom for like two days and I got weird comments. I put this picture on Facebook for like a minute and a half and someone commented that she was in the wrong carseat.
For the record, she was, but it was either that or no car seat....and i'm pretty sure that last one is illegal. Also, like...did I ask for opinions??? So odd.

So basically what i'm trying to say is major props to all you mom's and dad's out there. These were only five out of the twenty billion epiphanies that I had last weekend. Mainly, i'm going to put off having kids even longer than I was already wanting to put it off. I couldn't deal with not being able to do literally anything. I was also late for every Easter event we went to because I underestimated how long it took to get out the door. Also, sad story, we went to an Easter egg hunt and we were four minutes late and so we missed it altogether and she was broken hearted and it was so, so sad. Plus I was late for one event because Brooklyn fell asleep in the car and I didn't want to wake her up and then I suddenly understood all the snapchats i've seen of parents hanging out in cars while their child slept in a carseat. 
BTW, didn't even attempt church, if we're being honest. So I have a lot to learn before I start reproducing, mainly how to not be so selfish, haha. 

Anyway, i'm off to enjoy my kid free weekend while I still get them...haha 
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