Monday, February 5, 2018

on my brain feb 2018

Though 2018 has only been rocking and rolling for a month, I truly feel like a different person. 

There are a few reasons for this, one of those being I completely changed my relationship with food. My New Years Resolution was to lose 50 pounds before leaving to Japan in May. I have talked before about my issue with goals, but I am not a goal oriented person whatsoever. I have no self control nor do I feel like I owe myself anything, so when it comes down to doing something for myself I won't do it, ever. I have been on countless "diets" and changing the way I eat since I started gaining weight in junior high. It never stuck. There's a reason my Pinterest board says "the two weeks a year I pretend to be healthy." So yeah, it's been an endless cycle of trying something, it not sticking, me feeling bad.

 Except this time, it has stuck. I want to write a whole blog post about this, but it really took accepting and loving my body even though I was the heaviest I had ever been to start to feel that I owed it to myself to treat my body better. I'll go into more detail when I have these thoughts totally hashed out in my head, but I have lost about 17 pounds in four weeks and I don't see myself ever eating how I used to eat. So for that, I feel totally different as a person.

Next thing, we have been majorly decluttering at our house. Selling or donating a ton of what we have held on to over the years. At the end of December I took four ginormous boxes full of clothes to D.I, and then I just got rid of another H U G E box. This has caused me to do some thinking. 
I love a good deal, I love clothes, and I think I may be a shopaholic in a serious way, not a cute funny one. I get quite the rush and satisfaction from buying things, so I buy buy buy especially when things are cheap because then I can justify the purchase. It's not the spending money that has started to bother me, it's the buying and then not wearing. I only have a handful of things in my closet that I wear consistently, and those are things I have seriously had since high school, maybe early college. I have a cardigan and a sweater from Cents of Style that I want to wear daily. But aside from those things, I am buying so many things that I like at the store but don't wear past one time. For the first time I am really seeing the benefit in investing in more expensive things and having a smaller wardrobe. However, my current predicament is that I genuinely don't know what I like to wear until I buy it, wear it, and either love it or do not. So how do I figure out what to invest in if I don't know what I like? It seems unrealistic to buy expensive clothes and then hate them after wearing them a few times just like I do with the cheap clothes I buy. A few months ago I started making a rule that if I can't think of five different ways to wear something, I'm not getting it. Still, some things just aren't flattering once you have worn them all day, they get stretched out and weird and I hate wearing them. Or I will wear something all day and realize it's not practical. Am I making sense? I feel like this is such a weird problem to have, so if you have any advice I would really appreciate it!
All that being said, this acceptance of buying less crap feels like a big change for me. 

Another thing that has made me feel quite different is I decided to be done blogging, which is strange because I'm currently writing a blog post. What I mean is, I'm done trying to make blogging my side hustle. I never really put 100% into trying to accomplish this, but it was something I was constantly feeling guilty about. I would post a picture that wasn't aligned with my feed and I would feel tremendous guilt. I would stare at the number of instagram followers and just self doubt about why that number wouldn't go up. I would agree to campaigns (all with companies I love and believe in, I can only think of one company I have worked with that I wish I hadn't, cough cough smile brilliant) and then wait until the last second deadline to shoot and write, it was just a huge additional stress and weight on my shoulders. 
If you haven't been following along on social media lately, there has been a big hullabaloo about bloggers not being authentic and everyone unfollowing people like crazy and just general drama. During this whole thing, I realized I am just not passionate about the issue whatsoever and that's when I knew I was done. So I changed my instagram name, unfollowed a lot of people that weren't bringing me joy, denied a bunch of collaborations that were pending, finished up the ones that were too late to cancel, and I feel so damn good. I don't know that it ever occurred to me until a few weeks ago that I could just blog without accepting sponsorship or worry about numbers, which is how I was blogging since the MYSPACE days until a few years ago anyway! I truly feel SO free which I realize is very dumb but that's okay. I am happy to be back here, writing (one of my loves that I forgot about, or got lost with), when I can and about what I want. I may still do a collab here and there, I'm still really passionate about helping size friendly brands wherever I can. I just am feeling very happy to find a balance in all of this.

Lastly, we are doing some really adult things right now (not a baby and I'm grumpy I have to preface that all the time, let my uterus and I live!!) and while I don't want to jinx it, it's probably pretty easy to put the pieces together if you've been following along on social media for any amount of time. 

So HELLO 2018, new year new me? That saying makes me barf, but here we are! 

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